The love supreme

16.5.08

Mardi!!.....get on with it.

No sleep happening for me last night..... so rather than toss and turn anymore.....I thought I might as well blog.
Yesterday was Dose#5..... the first dose of the new drugs.....which I will be having weekly for 12 weeks.
The day just didn't go to plan.... I ended up home late...tired....emotional...and over it all. The last thing I need is sympathy...believe me....I wallow quite well without any help at all..... what I need is a gentle reminder that this will all be over soon.....so " snap out of it....and get on with it!"

So let me re-cap... I had asked Ian to accompany me to this treatment...being the first one of this drug combo....I thought it wise he be there....probably for two reasons..... one.....if I reacted in any way....and needed over night admission.....or if I was ill all the way home......Id prefer him around.... the second reason was I had no idea how the day would go....and I didn't want to stuff any one else around ( very clever thinking Mardi!!)

Stupidly I also got my heart set on doing a few little jobs while we were down there together..... one being....looking at hiring a wig for me. Ill just digress here for a minute... the wig has been the cause of a few discussions lately.....I personally don't think they are for me... most of the time...I'm very comfortable with my bald head....and hats....but just ever so occasionally Id love to take a break from the stares.... and I was thinking if we went somewhere for the day (like to Adelaide for my treatments).....I could wear it.... and take that break.
So I broached the subject with Ian.....I asked if he could take me to the place to look at them.....initially he flatly refused.... he said it was a waste of time.... "I wouldn't wear it".... he apparently "knows me too well".... so I argued my case.... and although I agreed...that he is probably right....I probably wouldn't wear it locally (not now that everyone is used to seeing me bald)....I still think its me that is bald....not him! ...so why cant I even have it as an option!
In the end...he agreed.... (not that I changed his mind...just that he got sick of me arguing it)
I was very excited about making that stop yesterday.....and choosing myself a short brown hair wig....Yes...I had already visualised it.

Ok...back to my day.... my appointment was at 11'ish (well at least I thought it was...until I double checked when we got down there...and found next weeks is 11'ish....this one was 12.10) ....so a nice unnecessary early start to the day.... but it did give us time to make a couple of stops.....we got the last of the blinds for the house... and I picked up some nice craft fabrics at Spotlight.

Then we arrived for my 12.10 appointment with the Oncologist.... and we sat....and we waited....and sat....and waited....for two hours! My Oncologist is on leave.....so I was seeing the Registrar....who was so behind....and although I felt sorry that he had a load on his plate.....I was just so miserable that the clock was ticking by..... and doing my Maths I was realising I wasn't going to have much day left by the time my treatment finished. Finally...my turn arrived... my Bloods were once again low...but scraped in ....and he assumed that my Heart Scan results from Thursday were ok....even though the report hadn't made it onto his system yet ...I could proceed.

So....Ian and I didn't waste any time....we dashed to the Day Unit for my Chemo.... the poor girls in the unit were wondering if I was even coming.... and they were also very anxious about the time.... I didn't know at that point...but this treatment was 4 + hours..... and wouldn't be finished until after the Day Unit was closed! Thankfully they allowed it to go ahead.... and two poor girls stayed behind until I finished. These drugs are better tolerated.... and the side affects are much reduced which is a real plus....but for the first time....I felt really nauseous as I was having it... I think Ian's explanation probably hits the nail on the head.... I'm sure it was a combination of stress...the anxious wait....the disappointment of my day not going to plan.... and the fact there was no time to eat. So on the news that I had a four hour + treatment....I just burst into tears... I wished this wasn't happening to me... I just hated the fact that everywhere I look....there is CANCER ...its on every poster.... its on every wall....I'm in a room full of people with it...and I couldn't help looking at the staff...just wishing I was on their side of the fence.

Anyway....I got over my miserable moment....took a deep breath.... thought about how lucky I was in the scheme of things.... and got on with it. Ian sat for awhile...and then I encouraged him to go off and look at a few things he wanted to do.....I also asked him to get some prices on a new camera for me....(something I am harping on at the moment...and want soooooooooo badly).
The girls in the Unit are so lovely.... they made me a cup of tea...and some yummy cheese and crackers...so my hunger problem was solved... Id packed my new CK... so I settled back with my mp3 plugged in my ears (which reminds me...I need to update the music!...pity I only know songs when I hear them.... and have no idea of their names to source them....any hot tips of what you are loving at the moment would be appreciated).

At 6pm.... I finally beeped and was finished... then came the clanger.....I needed an hour of observation after completion....Yeah Right! No way was I waiting in the Unit for another hour....not to mention how bad I felt already for the poor Nurse..... who was not getting paid overtime... and would have to take time in lieu...which would be damn near impossible when they are always so busy (this was only divulged in conversation.....certainly not a ploy to make me feel guilty....she was doing her utmost to reassure me she was fine with it). So after discussion.... I assured her I felt absolutely fine....I was not silly....if I felt unwell....Id present back.... and we would not leave the city for another hour just in case.... so she agreed...and I was fine to leave.

I then realsied I better let the kids know.....I had left home in the morning...expecting to be home around 6-7...and now I wouldn't even be leaving Adelaide until then.... Briony sounded upset... she had originally been going to go to Brent's after school...and he apparently was not home.... and Mitch was at work....so she was home alone....and "had nothing to eat". I listed off food that she could eat... and then felt so guilty about her home alone... it just added to my already crappy day.

Now...one highlight and one thing to be grateful for.....in the hour wait...we called into some camera shops.... and I was able to make some comparisons...and get some prices... I'm even more confused now.... but I have sparked some interest in Ian....and at least I feel a little more educated about what I am after....I'm thinking the Canon 400D with the 18-55 IS & 55-250 IS lenses.... this comes as a package... now...I'm very open and in fact would love any opinions....so thanks in advance if you have any.

Ok....browsing out of the way....we head home....arriving at 11.30pm.... I certainly felt better than previous journeys....so this Chemo is obviously kinder.
I was worrying about Briony all the way home...and to be honest...a little cranky that she wasn't more understanding ( I kept reminding myself....she is a Leo....she likes things to go to plan...her plan)..... imagine my absolute surprise...and subsequent guilt at feeling that way when I found this on my pillow waiting for me.... my beautiful baby is such a sweetie.... and this made me feel very loved.

...and another little surprise on the table.... a bag of yummy lollies from my friend Keryn....and a choccie from Hannah...her daughter....and Brionys good friend. (I know you read ....so thanks so much....it was so nice to come home too....after a really crappy day)
Today I feel slightly 'off'...but no nausea...hooray!
Ive even walked Briony to her bus stop.... trying to get some exercise....its got to help me feel better....good food...rest and exercise.
I still have insomnia though.....I'm not sure if its just because I wound myself up so much....I cant sleep... or whether its an actual side affect.....but in any case its so frustrating.

Gee...rattling on today.....so for a post I began at 4am.... its taken for ever ...with all my interruptions....better post it now...before I'm side tracked again.... oh...and Mothers Day post coming soon.

17 comments:

  1. WOWEE Mardi what a MASSIVE day - please don't be hard on yourself for having a cry, it is perfectly OK. Next time you will be mentally prepared and breeze through it, I just know. You amaze me daily, you really do. AND Wow at Briony and your friend - how gorgeous are they. I had to laugh at the Leo thing - hmmm a little Leo here too LOL. I am so glad you are feeling a little better this round too - hope that sleep comes back as well. xx Janelle

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  2. Mardi, I agree with Janelle, please, don't be so hard on yourself:0)..I am so sorry to hear you had such a crapola of a day..

    You are just so gorgeous... and all this will be behind you soon.. we are here with you every step of the way..

    And WOW, a brand new camera.. good for you - you deserve to spoil yourself - can't wait to see all the gorgeous photos you take with it...
    Briony - what a gem!!
    Take care - Helenxxx

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  3. Oh Mardi - I felt so upset for you reading your post. What a long day.
    You can be cranky you know - it's ok...you're allowed too...hehe! (I know I would be!)
    Oh no - I feel bad now. I wish i knew that you weren't home. I was chatting to Briony on msn and had to go organise the kids. I could have picked her up to come here until you got home. Next time if she needs - I'm here! :D
    Oohh a new camera - sounds great! I took so long to choose mine - but LOVE it...:D
    I have heard good things about the 400D...apparently a good price for the features on it too.
    I hope you enjoy your weekend.
    I will call you sometime early next week for a catch up if you're feeling up to it. :D
    Thinking of you.
    Belinda
    xx

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  4. What a hard day you had. I think you had every right for being emotional and "over it!". Many a person would have reacted a lot worse, and a long time before you did. Don't worry about that.
    Sorry you didn't get a chance to look at your wigs. Hope you get time to do that next time? And I can quite understand your reasoning - and your need for "time out" from the inquiring looks.
    I'm looking at the 400D too. And I don't know about the kit lenses - i'm leaning towards choosing my own. But I don't know which ones!!!
    Big hugs. Glad you have recovered well from this new chemo regime. Hope the insomnia abates. Can you buy a relaxation disc to play at night when you're a bit wound up? Would that help?

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  5. hey mardi, i think of you often and admire your courage and humour and honesty. although it doesn't feel like it right now, a better time will be right around the corner and one day you will read back over this journey and think my goodness, i got through. hope you are feeling good today. what a treasure briony is. i have the canon eos400d with ef-s 18-55 and we kept the zoom lense from my previous slr. it's a fab camera. i thought if i am going to get a new camera it may as well be a great one. i must confess tho i am very naughty and mostly use it on auto. i must make time to learn more about my camera. take carex

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  6. Hey you :-)

    Mardi I am really sorry that the day didn't go as planned :-( I imagine that without all those extra speedbumps, it's stressful enough....

    What I do admire is your ability to tackle all of this head on - and that you keep your head about you while you are doing it. I bet it must be hard....but your determination to stay positive can only be a help, and not a hindrance in the grand scheme of things.

    Thinking of you,
    Megan xx

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  7. Wow I'm exhausted just reading all that Mardi! What a hugely long and tiring day both emotionally and physically...even though you couldn't sleep later. Insomnia is a bugga, especially when you ARE tired.
    And its always good to have a cry...helps to let out all those emotions!
    I was home yesterday...doing the washing. I would gladly have popped down to visit you even if it was for 10 minutes! If that ever happens again - which I hope it doesn't - please ring me and I'll come down!
    I got a tear in my eye when I seen the pressie left for you. That was so sweet :)
    Take care hun
    xxTam

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  8. jane fitchett2:01 pm

    hey there Mardi- week one down eleven to go, and before we all know it, it will be 11 down and 1 to go....
    you certainly didnt have a good day- there is nothing worse than waiting at the doctors but i know i would have reacted in the same way- if not worse:P
    i hope you get to have a look at those wigs next week.

    mmm love love choccies and lollies, always my cure for a bad day!

    and a new camera- you know im a nikon girl- just to throw that into the ring hehe the lense i have wasnt a kit lense, we have a 18-200vr which is great because you dont have to change lenses too often, although it is quite heavy!and we have the 50mm 1.8f which is great- although i have my eye on ANOTHER lense now too - there are so many options out there now it IS confusing (but fun!!)
    take care
    xx
    J

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  9. Oh Mardi I'm getting teary just reading about your day. I am sure I would have reacted the same way under the circumstances! And felt exactly the same about everyone else as well! But what sweet little surprises on your return home. I'm SO glad that this new concoction seems kinder than the previous one, and I guess at least you'll know what's in store for your next "dose day".
    xxxxxxx

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  10. Hang in there girl. Big hugs. xoxo

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  11. Oh Mardi what a shocking day you had! But you got through it and now it's over with at least...and what a sweetie Briony is! That must've been so lovely to come home too. Hope the insomnia disappears asap!

    Good luck with the camera hunting! I'm looking for a new one too at the moment... I've been eyeing off the Nikon D60 but I'm still looking...

    Hope you manage to get some sleep and have a great weekend!

    Sheree xx

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  12. Mardi that sounds like a real crap day to me.i would have been totally peeved to. Just take care of yourself and everything else will run smoothly.And you are so lucky to have that fab daughter of yours those choccies looked so yummy.And what a lovely friend you have as well.take care Kerryxx
    And by the way thanks for stopping by my blog the other day.

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  13. Sorry you had a crappy day but on the upside how sweet of Briony and your friends. I hope your next day in town goes to plan. This WILL be over soon - you are so courageous and inspiring and you probably have no idea how much your strength and endurance puts my gripes into perspective!!! In the meantime know that I am thinking of and praying for you. Be kind to yourself!
    BTW - I totally agree about the posters!!! In the genetics clinic there is a whole heap of unhelpful information about various syndromes and conditions and I just think, I wouldn't be here if I didn't know about it!
    xxx

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  14. P.S. Will do something about that music situation... x

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  15. {{{HUGS}}}} Mardi. I'd be upset if the day doesn't go as planned little lone all the stuff u have to deal with. Sheesh be easy on ur self girl...Allow urself to cry, it's fine & no one thinks n e thing less of u for it either. I wish u had of got to look @ the wig's...maybe next time hey ;)
    What a sweetie Briony & ur friend is. & let the guilt go!
    Good to hear u got to look @ camera's though.
    Sounds like these drugs are somewhat betta.
    Take care
    Jxx

    p.s hope the insomnia bugger's off soon.

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  16. Hey Mardi i thnk of you alot too and wonder how you are doing. You are being so strong and inspire alot of people...you are so allowed to cry, i am sure i would have ranted and screamed if it had been me:(

    I cant help with the music thing but i thought the other day if i could remember some of the lyrics to these new songs i like then maybe i can google the lyrics and work out the name of the song?? Maybe you can do the same??

    Think about the next trip Mardi, it begins earlier and so should finish earlier...so you can get some wig looking in do you think??:) Then it will be 2 down 10 to go
    CharXXX

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  17. Oh mardi what a day!!!! I am sure we would all feel like crying...I don't know how you stay so strong.

    How lovely of Briony to leave you such a beautiful, thoughtful gift.

    As for the camera I can totally recomend the 400D I have had it for 12 months and I totally LOVE it. I got it with the lenses kit too..but i think it is a different one to that.

    Take care and I hope you get some sleep soon,
    Cherie xxooxx

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